How to Gain Confidence

NLP ConfidenceConfidence is one of those things that can help in every aspect of your life, and can be gained or strengthed quite easily using NLP. Confidence gained by way of NLP is just as powerful as confidence gained through experience. Once this is understood, and you master the ability to gain confidence through NLP, it becomes a snowballing juggernaut of positivity.

Confidence is a relatively simple psychological tool that provides great power, so why is it so hard for most people to achieve? In my opinion, most of the blame can be put on the fact that all humans spend the first dozen years of their life actively attacking the confidence of all around them. Some people stop this in their teens, others do this their whole lives. This is because of the flawed human instinct that you can gain confidence yourself by destroying the confidence of others. Luckily, this particular flaw we can turn around to work for us.

Take the picture on the top of this page, with the cat who sees himself as a lion. When other cats see him, they don't see a lion, they see a cat. But the cat's body language will show to all the other cats that he holds himself in high regard. The other cats will think that the lion cat is very sure of himself, and probably for a good reason. After all, throughout lion cat's childhood, he must have been thoroughly "tested" by all the other kittens - yet he has such confidence! No other cat will question this confidence, they will simply accept it.

How confidence works

Confidence works as a self-fueling cycle, either for the postive or for the negative. That is why once your confidence is damaged, it can be difficult to send it back on the right path. The following is an example of a negative confidence cycle:


I am meeting some new people for the first time. How am I feeling about this?


Body reflects anxiety. Tense up. Be defensive and do not open up to further emotional damage. This reflects in our body language.



Last time I met some new people, they didn't like me. I was just being myself. I am clearly not a likeable person. I better act differently.


Oh no! The feelings were bad last time. Don't let this happen again! Sense of doom and worry!

Now compare that to the following, which is a positive confidence cycle:


I am meeting some new people for the first time. How am I feeling about this?


Body is feeling great. I am relaxed and happy, and this will shine through in my body language and voice.



Last time I met some new people, they liked me. I was just being myself. It seemed to work well. I'll just be myself again.


I enjoyed the acceptance I gained in my last encounter. I will enjoy this one. Feeling of enjoyment is activated.

How to gain confidence using NLP

Here is a script I've written that can show you how to gain confidence using NLP. You can adapt this script to suit your own purpose.

Step one - Do not hold confidence in awe!

If you hold the notion of confidence in awe or fear, you are telling yourself that it is a powerful thing that will be difficult to get. You need to understand that confidence is just a tiny little emotional loop happening in your brain's limbic system. That is all confidence is! Believe it or not, you have complete power over your confidence right now and at all times.

Step two - Picture confidence as a golden aura around you

Imagine a very, extremely confident person. Let's call this imaginary person Confido. Picture him walking up to a group of strangers at a party and starts talking with them. They instantly love him, because he is so friendly and confident. It is clear that Confido knew everyone would love him before he even started speaking. Picture a golden aura surrounding him that only you can see. This is his confidence.

You can take this aura and bring it over yourself. Feel how the confidence flows around you. Everything feels natural and you are confident to do anything you want.

Step three - Feel how it is to be 100% confident in a known setting

While you are doing this, you must set an NLP Anchor - I suggest pressing your left thumbnail into your left index finger in a pulsing motion.

Take a memory where you were doing something you really enjoy and feel safe about. Maybe reading a good book on the beach, or talking to a close friend in a comfortable setting. What can you see? What can you hear? Strongly reestablish the setting around you as vividly as possible. Describe it to yourself out loud, right now. Pay attention to your posture - do you look relaxed or defensive? How does it feel to be so confident? You feel sure of yourself, relaxed, and you have a feeling of knowing that things are going well. Make this feeling of confidence as strong and vivid as you can before moving to the next step.

Continue to reinforce this anchor, and every time you feel the confidence, press the anchor again. Each time you do so, let the feeling of confidence double and surge. You must associate the emotional feeling of confidence with the physical sensation of the anchor.

Step four - Feel how it is to be 100% confident in an unknown setting

During this step, whenever there is blue text, you should reinforce your confidence anchor.

Take the feeling of confidence and keep it flowing as you put yourself in a new, imaginary setting. Picture yourself speaking to strangers with 100% confidence. Picture yourself at the party, walking up to a group of strangers who are talking amongst themselves. You have the confident posture of a confident person. You KNOW that because you are 100% confident, you will get along fine with this group. As soon as you approach, the strangers smile with their eyes, you FEEL they are interested in you. You start talking and merge right in with their conversation. The group takes you in as one of their own 100% seamlessly. Mind you are not acting differently, you are being yourself, and everyone loves it. Feel how confident you are just being yourself.

Continue to reinforce this anchor, and every time you feel the confidence, press the anchor again. You must associate the emotional feeling of confidence with the physical sensation of the anchor.

NLP Confidence

Step five - Take a snapshot of yourself in the confident world

What you've just done is imagined yourself being yourself and feeling very confident. You now have a memory of yourself in a very confident state. Even though it is imagined, your unconscious mind cannot tell the difference between an imagined memory and a real memory. In fact, there have been cases where grown-up children have falsely prosecuted parents for child abuse, when in fact the memories were imagined and developed by the probing of incompetent psychiatrists.

I want you to take a snapshot of that memory we've just created. Something that encompasses the height of the confident feeling. Now take the snapshot and make it bolder and more vivid. Bring it closer to you, make it larger, the size of a large wall. Make the snapshot detailed and realistic. Feel the feeling of the snapshot, and reinforce the anchor. Make everything as large, bold, and vivid as you possibly can.

Now double it again! Step into the snapshot. Look through your own eyes in that confident setting, feel the confidence as strongly as you can, and reinforce the anchor again. Keep doing this for a good minute or two.

Step six - Use the anchor

Now go use it! Use your anchor and let all the feelings of confidence come flooding in. If it isn't working very well, then go back to step one and repeat everything. Once you get the hang of this, you'll truly understand that confidence is a tiny little loop in your mind that you can switch on at will. The logic is undeniable:

  1. By feeling more confident, you appear more confident
  2. By appearing more confident, people react to you in a positive way
  3. When people react to you in a positive way, it reinforces your confidence
  4. (Go to point 1)
NLP Techniques used: AnchoringAnchoring FramingFraming

What People Think

Failsafe way of gaining confidence

Of course, if NLP Confidence doesn't come naturally to you, and you can't be bothered practicing it and mastering it, you can always just act confident instead. It can be difficult to do because you'll need to adopt all the correct body language of a confident person.

To do this, just imagine the most confident person doing whatever it is they do. Watch them talk, look at their body language (most importantly) and listen to how their voice sounds. Some tips:

  • Adopt an open posture. No crossed legs or folded arms.
  • Make your neck tall and shoulders relaxed, as if you were trying to see over a wall that was very slightly taller than your eye level. Like a meerkat who is looking for a predator. You know what I mean.
  • Speak clearly and with volume, remember what you're saying is worth hearing.
  • Don't take yourself too seriously, humour is the most universal language and can help prevent conflict with alpha-male and attention-envy types.
  • Don't be judgemental to others - but let yourself be open to judgement from others. This relaxes people around you, and helps bring down the barriers between you.
  • Otherwise you can always cheat and use subliminals. In a nutshell, these MP3s talk to your unconscious directly and teach you how to do all sorts of useful things, without you even realising it. Remember that scene from The Matrix where they upload the information for how to do Kung Fu directly into Neo's brain? Subliminals are pretty much the same thing.